Hi! I’m writing this blog because writing is my favorite manifestation of personal artistic expression. I function better as a human when I have an outlet. I also feel that I have something special to share. See, I am a mom, but I am not just any mom. I am a twin mom. And, that is not all either. I am a mom of two sons who share the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. “Yes” both of them, and “No” this is not common. I am also a Millennial. One of the one’s on the Gen X cusp. My generation is having children with Autism in alarming numbers. No one can definitively pinpoint why this is happening. There are a million theories. As a parent in the autism world I do not care why this has happened. What is most important to keep in mind here, is that regardless of the “why?” there are two little boys who have special needs that I am responsible for fulfilling. This is where I think I can share something useful. I have learned how to become my children’s advocate. I am not the expert on all things Autism by any means. I am still learning. What I can say, is that I have had the ultimate crash course on all things Autism.
Any mom of twins can attest to the difficulties of having two at a time. It can be hellish and miserable on days. There are always more chores to do than there is time in a day to get them done. I was having a hard time being a mom. I couldn’t believe how hard my life had become since having my twins. There was so much crying and pooping that I thought I would die. At one point we were changing 20 diapers a day with 4 broken hours of sleep per night. Can you imagine? It was so crazy! It isn’t so bad at first, but things got harder as the months passed. Anyone would have a hard time under these conditions, but I was falling apart fast. I figured it would eventually pass. It did not! It took almost 2 years to get the boys diagnosed. I spent 2 years feeling like an awful mom, who could not figure it out. I was convinced that I was having a hard time because I was just bad at being a mom. I was also a first time mom of twins. This was a dark and lonely place to be for 2 years. I was put into a mental hospital twice before the diagnoses of ASD changed my world. I found out that I have PTSD, which stemmed from having had a childhood filled with abuse. I wanted to run. I considered all ways out of my life. I considered suicide more than once. I considered leaving my family and making a new life for myself. I just could not understand why I was so bad at motherhood. And then I found out that there was a legitimately serious issue happening on my journey. It wasn’t just me. That validation lead to hope. I stayed alive, and dedicated myself to my family.
It turns out that I am not a bad mom. I am actually a really great mom. One of the best! I have had a lot to learn. I have had to change my viewpoints and my entire life. I’ve screamed and cried. I’ve pondered the “why?” and the “how?” until I could not see straight. I have been sad and mad. I have been through all of the stages of grief that that accompany an autism diagnosis. I am now in a place where I understand how to do my job as a mom. I know what to do when I encounter a tantrum. I know that taking care of myself is essential to my children’s success. As I learn to navigate in my new world I hope you will join me on my journey. I have learned so much, but there is much more to learn
The Millennial Twin M0m